Opening Weekend of “Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again” Claims Lives of 1.2 Million Boyfriends

Families around the nation are reeling from a catastrophic weekend that claimed the lives of 1.2 million innocent boyfriends, and now victims’ loved ones are demanding that Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again answer for its crime.

“He told me before he left for the theater that he was confident enough in his masculinity to see it, so I am comforted to know that when his time came, he was not afraid, not in pain,” James Upton, who lost his brother to Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again, stated at a vigil to honor the fallen yesterday in New York City. His words echoed the refrain of so many who lost loved ones in the opening weekend: they tried to dissuade their loved ones from putting their lives in danger, but they soldiered on, eager to please their girlfriends.

Experts are stating that the combination of kaleidoscopic colors and sequins, feel-good sing-along tunes, and a sentimental, fairy tale story arc proved deathly: one of these on its own could trigger minor cardiac arrest, but combined, no mortal man stood a chance. Witnesses have reported that few men made it through the opening number, in which Lily James breaks out in a rousing rendition of “When I Kissed the Teacher” during her valedictorian speech at her Oxford graduation and leads her class, singing and dancing in their regalia, away on bicycles.

“Why the public wasn’t warned about this earlier I’ll never understand,” Upton said through tears, “But I only hope and pray that not one more family has to go through the pain of losing a loved one to Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again.” Chants for Universal Studios to be brought to justice followed his speech as the crowd torched a giant disco ball. At press time, The Center for Disease Control issued a statement urging men not to view this summer flick, as it would almost certainly prove fatal.

Email About Retirement Fund Closed for Instagram’s “Explore” Page

Madison, WI–Exclaiming confidently that “one day she’d deal with that,” area woman Danielle Brook exited out of an email about her retirement fund and proceeded to browse Instagram’s “explore” page for 20 minutes while at work this afternoon. “I just figure that what I really need to do is sit back and let my 401K work for me,” she said. “I shouldn’t touch it too much.” Imagining that it’d be like when she’d write a paper in 10 point font and watch it magically grow when she enlarged it to 12 point font at the end, she assumed that one day decades from now she’d open her account and have plenty of money to retire comfortably. Her Instagram explore page, which featured photos of attractive women on beach vacations, tips about how to exercise the tricep, and videos of drunk college girls falling off tables, kept her blissfully entertained as her retirement fund exploded by $0.02 each month in the background, setting her up to retire by age 130.